"i never felt as used, as played, as hurted, as stupid.."

]this is like my personal diary or something. loll so much has happened during these months that i can barely even catch my breath.  through this summer i really did a lot of thinking..why should i be the one taking all the blame? i mean, i kno it was partially my fault as well, but it wasn't totally all my fault and honestly, im not even at that much fault.  through this incident, i learned that there would be people out there who would constantly lie to cover up for who they really are and their motives.  i learned to be not as trusting ..especially to guys.  i feel sorrey for the next gurl and i hope the best for her.  i dont want to say to much becuase i dont wana ruin things for her just in case that guy was only messed up to me.  she's still my fwend but not that guy.  i never felt as much hate and desire to slap someone as much as this time.. i never felt as used, as played, as hurted, as stupid as i do/did..i feel better now considering how im finally off the hook and im ready to start anew.  i kno what might happen in the future might be tough but i can conquer it.  im not gona say i met the worst person in the world but if he's not ranked one then he has to be ranked at least 2. just one thing for shure..no gives back!! shiet i dont want that beef jerky anymore..worst thing that happened in my life out of all these 18 years.  those 7 months have been living hell to me.  now thinkin back i dont even kno why i kept lying to myself that it was just a phase and that he would change..his motives were clear, yet i just wouldnt believe it.

this incident resulted me in losing tons of weight ..possibly close to anorexic actually and it ..really just made me lose even more faith in relationships and guys in general.  all the guys i choose tend to be terribly bad even if i think they would turn out alright or even if i tell all my fwends to scan them ..just cuz those guys like to seem like they're uber nice..putting up a nice front so i will fall for them. they all kno that i had terrible experience with guys before yet they still chose me to hurt..i seriously dont understand that..i guess there's just people like that out there who would find pleasure in hurting people and using people. i cant believe in relationships until i meet someone who actually likes me for me..as to liking me for my body? my looks? or simply becuase im a gurl.

p.s. being new at this isnt an excuse..giving reasons after reasons for all mistakes doesnt make it permitable..it just means that you're making excuses for all your wrongdoing and that you're not willing to take up the responsiibilty.  grow some balls and just take it like a man, bitch.

nevertheless, dont assume before hearing both sides. maybe you'll understand further of what im saying after talkin to him..excuses after excuses..i never even heard one real apology..one apology which shows that he understand that he did was totally wrong and unforgivable..